It was the same thing year after year. My grandmother would ask ” What do you think of my new glasses?” And I would say, “Nan, they’re HUGE! Why do you buy them so big?” She would put on her red lipstick and reply (with a tiny attitude), “Well, I like them.”
I always wondered why. Why do older women wear big sunglasses?
I finally get it!
The bags under my eyes have expanded to an all time low. I’m tired. Fatigued. I could lean my head against the wall right now and be asleep in 20 seconds.
Concealer can’t hide this eye baggage.
Today, I went shopping for sunglasses (the cheap kind), because something happened to my expensive sunglasses that have the same shading technology used by fishermen on the open sea and astronauts when they fly close to the sun. I won’t say what happened to them. It had something to do with a kid and not me sitting on them.
I tried on every pair in the store. The only ones I liked were the big ones. Is this what it’s like to think like a man? Anyway, when I put on the giant sunglasses, I looked young and well rested. I think they even cover my frown lines. So I bought them. They have a Jessica Simpson label on them, which tells me they’re both wannabe trendy and cheap.
Perfect. They’ll go great with my mom jeans.
I don’t really wear mom jeans.
Okay, I do have a pair of jeans that are not low rise. Or mid rise. Or skinny cut. But as my grandmother would have put it, “that 80’s stuff is all the rage with the young people these days.” So that means that jeans that come up to your natural waist (like, right under your bra) are in. I’m tired of the low rise look. Showing off your ass cracky is tacky.
Back to the sunglasses. They have silver rims, which compliment my silvery roots at the moment.
Roots are not tacky anymore. I see young people who dye the roots of their hair black or white to look cool. Or whatever.
So that’s stylish too.
I know what you’re thinking.
It takes talent to convince yourself that you’re edgy and hip thanks to a pair of shades, when in reality you drive a mini-van and spent the better part of the afternoon trying to figure out how to get a rainbow lollipop unstuck from the carpet without leaving a mark.
Yep. I’m talented. Or delusional. Rainbow carpets are lovely, don’t you think? And it’s fine to hide behind big sunglasses when you are a tired, hardworking mom.
Did I mention they have a soft rose tint? The whole world looks rosy and happy now, as it should be.
Don’t judge. We’re all a little delusional, right? No? Isn’t there something you’re in denial about?
Fine. It’s just me. I need to look at the world through rose colored glasses at this moment. It keeps me sane. I wonder, it that how my grandmother managed to stay happy and shiny for 89 years? Was it all in the rose colored giant sunglasses?
I guess the world will never know.