A few weeks ago, the Princess’s friend asked a dreadful question. It was not how old are you, Amy?, but rather, what’s the biggest spider in the world? The Princess looked at me expectantly.
So I looked it up on my iPhone. I found image after image of big nasty spiders to satisfy their incredible curiosity. We found the biggest spider, the biggest poisonous spider, the creepiest spider and the hairiest spider.
Every homeschool mom knows that these questions are awesome opportunities for learning. I answered all the questions that followed to the best of my ability. I did not say (but I thought it), “Yuck, spiders? Why do you want to know about them?”
I spent the next three days trying to erase those images from my memory.
Luckily, my short term memory isn’t what it used to be and my mind was mostly blank again. It was two entire days of spider free bliss, until Dave saw a cool spider and decided to take an insanely up close and personal photo of it with the Olloclip. If it ended there, I could handle it. He found many spiders to photograph. I swear, they started coming to him for their portraits. The one below landed on his arm while we were sitting on the deck.
He says it has puppy eyes.
Really? That’s not what I was thinking.
It’s only now that I realize I should have written my own wedding vows to include the following:
Do you promise to remove all spiders from the premises upon request and not put them in your beloved wife’s face, on her arm, or allow them wander the kitchen because they’re “cute?”
He knows how I feel. I’ve been freaking out over spiders for the duration of our marriage. I told him all about my traumatic childhood encounter with a daddy long legs. Still, he tries to convince me that they’re cute and that I should like them.
He thinks if he persists long enough, I’ll trust him on this, like I did with sushi.
Dave, this isn’t unagi we’re talking about. And sushi is adorable.
This guy is not. He’s been hanging over the side doorway for at least a week.
Do we need to see Spidy’s parts up close like this?
I’ve already gotten into it with this one. I took him and his web down with a broom and swooshed him away in to the yard. He was back the next morning. He’s just asking for me to get the vacuum out on his little green butt.
Now that I am trying so hard to avoid him and his friends, they’re everywhere. They even spin their webs between the shrubbery and my car, requiring me to park on the other side of the driveway.
It’s not that I’m terrified of them. They’re harmless. They catch the mosquitoes, right?
Okay, I do fear them. I know it sounds weak but…am I alone?
This officially the creepiest thing I’ve ever posted here. Forgive me, please. Blame Dave.
