If You Take the Kids to Jersey

If you take the kids to Jersey, they’re going to want to swim at sunset.

When it gets dark, they’ll catch a chill. They’ll ask to warm themselves by a fire. On the beach.

Being by the fire will remind them…to eat marshmallows.

They won’t be interested in seeing the historic sights in town, even if those sights are pink. Instead, they’ll ask you to take them to Wildwood.

They’ll beg to ride the oldest wooden rollercoaster you’ve ever seen.

You’ll be so very happy when it’s over, you’ll stroll down the boardwalk, taking in the sights (eek!) of the real Jersey Shore.

Next, you’ll have to explain that this shirt is not another quote from Timba. Then you’ll have to  come up with a logical explanation for the booty shorts with the word twerk across the butt. There isn’t one.

The next day, when they’re good and hungry, your brother-in-law will offer them an early dinner (minus the beer).

They’ll make a dozen different faces in protest. And their Dad will make this one:

If  Grandma is willing, you’ll get to have a date night. Your husband may take you to the lighthouse, because you whined about missing the one  in Maine.

He’ll mention what he thinks a lighthouse really looks like.

To distract yourself, you’ll think about that scene you love in Lost when Jack discovers that Jacob has been stalking him forever through a magic glass in the lighthouse.

Then you’ll want to see the sunset by the ocean. On the walk over,  you pass this sign.

And he’ll do this:

When you walk away, he follows. You reach the perfect white sand beach, but you spot this in the distance.

And now you’re thinking about Lost again.  It’s the others!

You’ll want to take a closer look. It says this on the side:

This man you married does this:

Finally, you tell him to get down and take you to dinner.

On your last night of vacation, you’ll take a boat tour to see dolphins in the wild. One kid will love it. One will wait for the a chance to visit the gift shop. One will vomit on Dad.

The captain of the boat will share a bunch of interesting tidbits about dolphins that the kids will listen to intently, including the fact that male dolphins mate up to seven times a day for fun and that he would like to be reincarnated as one.

You’ll take a totally cliche picture of the sunset.

When the week by the sea is over, the kids will lock themselves in the bedrooms and refuse to leave. You can’t really blame them.

They’ll pose for one last picture, then get in the car grumbling.

And even though they have great memories (and enormous souvenirs) from their week at the shore…they’ll beg you take them, back to Jersey.

Special thanks to my mom, for taking all her “kids”  to Jersey.

This post was inspired by my daughter’s favorite book – If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, by Laura Numeroff.